Just one more moment

I close my eyes tightly. I don’t want to see. I don’t want the orange-red light of the rising sun to shout into my face: the time has come to leave. I know it by myself. My time is up. Just one more moment … Immovably. Pressing close to you. You’re sleeping. I always go away in this way; like a shadow, I steal out while you sleep. Like a thief with the wicked-sweet memories of the stolen night. Guilty … as much as victim. I scorn and pity myself at the same time. Just one more moment … Laying my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat. But the sound of the wall clock, which I haven’t heard before, now strikes my ear sharply and echoes in my head. Louder and louder … impatiently. It’s evil. But it’s right. So I can’t blame it for this. Now I hate the daybreak. Just one more kiss onto the motionless lips which sought mine so eagerly, with passion only a few hours ago. I free myself from your unconscious but somehow fondling embrace and carefully caress your face. I don’t want to wake you up, although that would be great if you accompanied me down to the door, holding my hand just for a little while, if you embraced me once more, if you looked in my eyes silently, smiling faintly for one more moment before I won’t see you again, who knows till when. But if we span out, the absence of you would hurt more probably. It’s better this way. You are sleeping peacefully, only I suffer this one-person leave-taking. It’s better this way. Just sleep!
I slowly rise from the bed, from beside you and select mine from the clothes thrown to the ground, clumsily in the half-light of dawn. I turn my back on you resolutely and start towards the closed door of your room which guards so sweet memories … I would like to step out with the greatest ease, with unconcern on my face and not looking back at you. But I can’t. I never can. I always have to turn back for one more moment with the latch in my hand, your peace, your calm breathing always draw a faint smile on my face, and tears gather in my eyes. Even now. Why is this so hard? Why does it come to my mind, sneaking out to the bathroom, throwing my clothes on, standing beside the small shower stall, that how you kissed me, how you touched me under the water not so long ago? Why will I stop even after weeks in the crossroads, though I will have to hurry? Why will I look towards the street where you live for long moments? With my heart throbbing violently, with that voice in my head saying: ‘You have nothing to do there!’
I look in the mirror above the washbasin, already dressed, ready to start … Although actually I’m never ready for starting on that way which leads me away from you. I nearly feel pity for the girl on the other side of the glass plate. She’s worn out, tired and so … I start. I have to start. The morning is near …
I stop again for a minute on the top of the stairs, looking towards your door with broken heart. Now I feel you so far from me, although not long ago you were with me, so close … You were a part of me only a few hours ago. That door entices me with elemental power. The longing for going back, nestling in between your arms and waking up in the morning with you becomes bodily pain in me. Temptation is so great. But I resist. Though now it’s actually my weakness. I’m coward to stay with you. I was always coward even to ask you if you would like it.
I start downstairs. The stairs creak here and there under my feet sullenly. As if they didn’t want me to go away either. Or they are just sullen because I bother them so early in the morning. Arriving to the bottom stair I turn aside, resolutely hurry across the kitchen, then across the hall and only a few moments later I close the door of the flat behind me. I should start onwards. Along the corridor, out of the house, out to the street … but I just stand. Only one more moment … My hand still on the latch. Your scent still on my skin. As if you were standing beside me when I close my eyes.
I close this door behind me for the last time. I’ll never spend a minute here again. My heart will never start to beat like mad when I catch sight of you again after a long time and that ‘I’ve been waiting for you’ smile appears on your face. I won’t nestle in between your arms again as if that was the most peaceful place in the world. I’ll never lean to you to taste your lips eagerly. I’ll never be with you again. Not here. Neither elsewhere. I swear! I pledge myself … for the thousandth time. As I always pledged myself. Every time when I stood here in the same way, when the day was breaking, with the latch in my hand, fighting against my tears. If those tears weren’t burning my eyes, probably I would laugh at myself. It’s so pitiable that I try to convince myself, though I know well how my resolution will vanish into thin air, how the desire will become stronger in me to see you again. I’m loyal to only one oath of mine. You’ll never get to know how this hurts me. You’ll never get to know how much I love you!